When you answer the house phone at this time of the day on a weekday and get this long a silence it can only mean one thing; that douchey Indian “PC repair” phone scam lot are calling again.
For those not in the know the PC repair scam usually goes pretty much like this: You receive a call; usually claiming to be from “Windows Online Repair” or “PC Online Repair Group” or some random shite like that. They tell you that you have some “malware” on your computer and talk you through downloading their special malware scan software. And, sure enough, as soon as you download the malware scan software hundreds of pop ups appear on your computer. But not to worry because these very helpfull guys carefully talk you through filling in your credit card details and for a nice round nominal fee they have “fixed” your “broken” PC.
Most people get pissed off at these fucks. Most people scream at them for calling “all times of the day and night” and get even more annoyed at their constant pleas of “No sir, we are genuine actual PC repair company,sir”.Some people, of course, fall for the scam, but most people just get angry. I never see the point of getting angry with these people, I much prefer to piss them off or confuse them.
My best prank so far has been to keep one of them on hold for 45 minutes:
HIM – Sir, you have a PC, sir?
ME – *in an already serious,already worried tone of voice* – Yes!! Ohmigod yes I do!!!
*it’s best to play it just tongue in cheek enough that he’s never quite sure if you’re taking the piss or not*
HIM – I am here from the Windows PC Repair,sir. My name is Jason and I am here to tell you that we have been monitoring your computer and…
ME – Ohmigod! I have a virus on my computer, don’t I!
HIM – Ahm…I am… I am Jason from the Windows PC Repair, sir, and I…
ME – Is it malware? Do I have malware on my computer?!!
HIM – Ahm… I am here to tell you that we have received some strange information from your computer…
ME – Do you want me to turn on my computer?! I can go upstairs to turn on my computer if you’d like. Maybe I should turn on my computer.
HIM – Ahm…
ME – I’m just gonna go upstairs and turn on my computer. I’ll be right back down to the phone as soon as I’ve done that.
I throw the phone down in a hurry and then go back to watching daytime telly. Every now and again I hear Jason politely interjecting “Hello? Hello sir.” He stays on the line for about 10 whole minutes before I hear the tone of the phone gone dead. I hang up. Much to my joy and surprise, though, the phone rings again almost instantly.
ME – Hello?
HIM – Hello sir, this is Jason.
ME – Oh, Jason, where did you go to? I went upstairs and turned on my computer and when I came down you had hung up.
HIM – Oh sir…
ME – I can run upstairs now and turn it on again if you’d like?
HIM – Ahm. I guess you could…
ME – Right. Wait right here. I’ll be one minute!
I throw the phone down again in a hurry and instantly return to grazing in front of the telly. Again, every now and then Jason politely pipes in “sir,sir?” before hanging up after about 10 more minutes.
HIM – Sir! This is Jason
Jason is not happy when he calls back for the third time.
ME – Jason?! You hung up on me again! I had JUST turned on my computer and came downstairs and you had hung up on me again!
HIM – So your computer is on!
He barks it this time, I am getting the distint impression that he feels I might be waisting his time.
ME – Oh God no, I literally JUST turned it off again.
HIM – Sir…
ME – Just stay on the line, one minute now, I’ll run upstairs and turn it on…
HIM – I will call back sir, in five minutes and you will have your…
ME – Nononono. Just wait here one minute, it’ll only be one…
HIM – Sir…
But I’m gone.
10 minutes later and Jason calls back for the fourth time. He is irate.
HIM – Sir!
ME – Yes?
HIM – Your PC is on, sir?!!!!
ME – Sorry?
HIM – This is Mr Shane?!!!
ME – Mr Shane? Ahm… sorry I…
HIM – I was talk to you. You said that you are PC on?!!!
ME – No.. I.. I think you may have the wrong number. Who are you looking for?
HIM – I am talking to Mr Shane?
ME – No, I’m sorry, there is no “Mr Shane” here.
He is, at this stage, absolutely fuming but I keep my calm and try not to piss myself laughing.
HIM – You are Mr Shane! I tell you to turn on your PC and I will call back! Your PC is on?!!
ME – I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name, sir? What is your name?
HIM – This is Jason!! You are Mr Shane!! Your computer is on?
ME – I’m sorry, sir. I’m not aware of any Mr Shanes and we don’t even have a PC in this household. I’m afraid you have the wrong number.
I keep him on the line for another 4 minutes before his frustration gets the better of him and he hangs up on me.
* * * *
Cut to today. Cut to me answering the phone. Cut to silence.
I don’t want to do the same thing twice and I don’t really have 45 minutes to spare keeping this fucker on hold so I decide to come up with something different.
– Hello sir. This is Lewis from PC Online Repair.
– Yes. This is PC Online Repair, how may we help you Lewis?
– Ahm.. I am speaking with Mr Shane?
– Oh, you’re looking for Mr Shane. I’ll put you right through.
I hold the phone away for a minute and listen to various confused sounds.
– Hello. PC Online Repair, this is Shane speaking.
– Ahm… hello, sir. This is Lewis from… ahm, PC Online Repair…I am calling…
– Good morning Lewis. How are you doing today? What seems to be the problem with your computer?
– I ahm… is there a problem with your computer?
– Yes. What seems to be the problem with your computer?
– There is… there is no problem with my… I am calling because there is maybe malware on your computer.
– So you think there’s malware on your computer, do you Lewis?
– I.. you have malware on your computer…
– Do you have your computer on right now Lewis and maybe I could take your information.
– No, there… there is no problem with my computer,sir.
– Well if there’s no problem with your computer, Lewis, why would you call PC Online Repair?
– You… I am from PC Online Repair.
– Yes. I am from PC Online Repair. What seems to be the problem with your computer.
– You… I… you have a problem with your PC.
– What seems to be the problem with your PC, Lewis?
– No.. no, there is no problem with my… you are a computer expert?
– Yes, Lewis, all of us here at PC Online Repair are fully trained for the service of all of your computer needs.
– But I am from… ahm, I think that there is maybe a confusion sir, and I have called the wrong number.
– Oh, well thank you for calling Lewis, and if you have any problems with your computer please feel free to call PC Online Repair services, we’ll be more than glad to fix any of your computer needs.